When I was young girl
I’ve been given this one world
I won’t worry it away

He finally called! I guess there was a commo blackout yesterday. And he has no idea what’s going on with his cell phone. But, at least now he knows that even if he doesn’t get them, I am trying to text him back every time he texts me.

So, I’m closing with Amber tonight… I hope all this work drama is over. I talked to Rach for a while last night and got everything between me and her sorted out. I’m pretty irritated with Brittney at the moment, but that has nothing to do with work. She kind of bailed on me last night. I understand that she couldn’t get her car to start at first, but a phone call to let me know would have been nice. Reasonable, even. And that, friends, is why I have such a hard time trusting people. Because people, in general, suck. This all happened yesterday between 1800 and 2000, and it is now 1550 the next day and I still have heard NOTHING from her. Whooooo for “bff”s!

Anyway, I just wanted to post because today is so much better than yesterday. I’m in a really good mood because I got to talk to Sebert. I love him so much. I hope he calls again before I have to leave for work. *sigh*

But now and again I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then love comes in

And are dying from a broken heart…

I don’t know what to do any more. I’m completely out of answers.

So, I’m pretty sure I mentioned in my last post that Sebert bought an Iraqi cell phone. Well, normally we can text each other back and forth, and while it’s expensive, it’s just a nice way to send a quick “I love you.” Yesterday, I talked to him in the morning and he told me that he would call me at 0100 his time, which is 1800 my time. He started sending me texts around 1500, and I was texting back. Well, I guess he wasn’t getting the texts I sent, because I got a text at 1700 from him that said, “Fine. Hit me up when you want to talk to me. I love you.” And he never called. I’ve been using Skype to try to call his cell phone, and I’ve been wasting money on texts that he’s not getting trying to get ahold of him. He still hasn’t called, and it’s driving me nuts. He KNOWS that for some reason he doesn’t always get texts when I send them. We have no idea why, but it happens and he knows it. And I have no idea why it’s not working to call his cell from Skype, either, because that worked yesterday at 1300. So, I’m all out of answers. I have no idea what else to do. There’s nothing more I can do except wait for him to get more irritated and finally call me to ask me why I was “ignoring” him yesterday.

Just to clear something up from my last post, Luke and Sebert are magically talking again. I don’t know how or why it happened, but I’m glad it did. It makes things a little bit easier. But, they’re on different squads now, so Ashley and I never have any idea what’s going on. Not that I ever did, anyway.

I’m not in a very good mood today. And I know it’s just because of this whole big mess with Sebert. I hate that I’m sitting here trying to get ahold of him, and he’s mad at me for “ignoring” him. I can’t stand it. Sandy told me that she doesn’t blame me for being grumpy, because if it was her, she would be pissed. But, I can’t be pissed, because he won’t call me so I can have someone to be pissed at! And, I’m not really pissed. And I won’t be when he calls. I’m just worried and upset. I wish he would realize that ignoring him is the last thing I would ever do. Expecially at a time like this.

The ring he ordered for me came in the mail today. It’s beautiful. I would appreciate it so much more, though, if I wasn’t so frustrated. There’s a picture of it here. It’s actually a lot smaller than the picture makes it look, but I love it. It’s his birthstone. =] 14K white gold, and it also has a teeny diamond on either side of the heart.

So, I finally know what Ash is talking about now when she says that watching her niece and nephew is the only thing that makes her truly happy since Luke left. I watched Connor and Grayden the other night for Britt, and playing with them just made me happy. They’re so sweet and cute… and innocent. So completely different from everything else that’s going on my life right now. Pictures of them are on my Flickr feed over there, aren’t they cute?

I’m going to go wait for him call now. =\

I’m there too.

How far do I have to go to get to you?

It’s about time I updated, I know. But, I haven’t really had anything new to blog about. I’ve been working more and talking to Sebert less, and it’s just not something that I’ve wanted to relive every day by writing down, to be completely honest.

I’m dealing with things better, I think. Well, I’m doing a better job of keeping everything inside. Things just keep getting more complicated. Luke and Sebert aren’t talking anymore, so that’s making things kind of tense between me and Ashley. We’d never admit to each other; we still talk like we’re fine with it, but we don’t talk as often, and there’s just something there. I’m hating it… I had really started getting close to Ashley, and it’s nice to have someone to talk to who understands exactly what I’m going through. We’re still pretty close though. I hope the guys being idiots doesn’t ruin that.

Sebert bought an Iraqi cell phone, so that’s how I’ve been talking to him for the past couple of weeks. Their phones and internet have been down. I love the fact that I’ve still gotten to talk to him every day… But, it almost seems like the 2 minute phone calls make it harder than no call at all. I can put up with hard, though. I wouldn’t trade hearing his voice for the world. In fact, that’s what I’m waiting for right now - that two minute phone call where he says he just wanted to say that he misses and loves me, but he has to go because he’s outside the wire.

Amber has been making me mix CDs for me to listen to in my car [my radio doesn’t work], and I love her for it right now. I think I’m going to ask her if she can just burn me a copy of the Sara Bareilles album, though, because she’s given me three of her songs, and I love them all. Amber has all kinds of fantastic music on her iPod. It’s great. And she loves me, so I get to share in the wealth. =]

Britt and I took her boys swimming at her aunt’s house the other day… That was really fun. She and I have gotten really close since I moved back up here, and I’m incredibly grateful for that. It’s nice to have someone to hug when I have a bad day. Maybe she doesn’t completely understand, but she still listens and tries to lift my spirits.

In other news, Sebert’s cousin Teri and her three kids just moved into town. It’s been nice hanging out with them a bit. I took Chris, Kaitlin, and Gwen all to see The Happening the other day, and I think they had a good time. I hope so; they deserve it. They’ve been through a lot. And I think Teri really appreciates me spending time with them. But, I’m glad to… They’re fun. And they’re family, and I love them all. I wish there was more I could do for them.

Oh, and I got a new cell phone! I guess the phone I got is super popular now, but I don’t care. I love it. It’s so much better than the last one I had. Plus, I’ve been downloading all kinds of ringtones. Annnd, it has a mini SD card, so I can actually keep the pictures that I take from my phone without having to upload them. I’m pretty excited about it. That was my biggest irritation with my old phone. That, and it was a POS. But, you know.

Anyway, I’m off to watch Friends until 0100 when the latest episode of Army Wives repeats…

Do you see how much I need you right now?

So, the past couple of weeks have been very exhausting. Mentally and physically combined. Sebert has been busy over there, and he’s barely had time to call. Even when he has called it’s only been for five minutes or so. I finally got the chance to talk to him for a longer period of time today & see his face on Skype, so that was a very welcome change. I miss him so much.

I almost want to tell him to just call when he can, but never to tell me that he’s going to. Because there have been two times in the past week where he said he would call the next day, and it didn’t happen. And I understand that there’s nothing he can do about it, but it just breaks my heart a little bit more when I’m actually waiting for the phone to ring and it doesn’t. If I’m not expecting it to, it’s not a letdown. You know?

And work is insane lately. I love[d] my job, but it’s getting to the point where if I actually had something else to occupy my time [and pay me a wage], I would quit. Technically, we don’t need the money right now. But, I could never bring myself to quit. I really do like my job. I just HATE the drama that has built up lately. I can’t stand it. It’s an all girl staff, of course, so it’s bound to happen. But, I’m sick of it. I have enough to worry about. I love everyone on the staff [minus the person who quit tonight], but not everyone has common sense, and not everyone knows how to do their job. It’s frustrating.

Tonight wasn’t so bad. I closed with April, and Britt helped out [off the clock] for a few hours. And, emotionally, I’m dealing with things better tonight than I have for the past two. I have cried myself to sleep for the past two nights… And, I don’t mean just cry–I bawled. You know; those annoying, loud, exhausting tears. I cried so hard Thursday night that I thought I was going to be sick… But, I couldn’t stop myself. I just still haven’t found a way to deal with things that doesn’t crash and burn and break me down again after a week or so of dealing well. When I talked to Sebert today, he was a little upset because I started to get upset about missing him, and he thought it seemed like I wasn’t happy to talk to him… I just don’t know how to be happy to talk to him and sad that he’s not here all at the same time. I guess I’m just going to have to start pretending that I’m not sad or that it doesn’t bother me. I don’t want to upset him.

Happier side note: Britt gave me a new pair of pants to wear to work tonight! I tried them on and they actually fit. I was excited. They’re a little snug, but they look like they were meant to fit that way. And the way things are going, they probably won’t be too snug for very long.

Well, I’m going to try to get some [calm, peaceful, refreshing] sleep. Sebert said he would call at 0530 my time [1230] for him, so I might at least get a few hours. Unless he calls his mom, instead.

When you’re gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you.

And you tell me to breathe easy for a while. But, breathing gets harder… Even I know that.

Today was… long. Actually, I think it just seemed that way. Sebert called this morning, and I was VERY grateful for that. But, then Ash called me crying because Luke’s being an idiot. Well, he’s not being an idiot… He’s just stressed out, and he’s not handling it very well when it comes to her and their relationship. He won’t talk to her about anything, he barely tells her that he misses her [even though he DOES like crazy], and they almost always end up getting off the phone annoyed with one another. I just feel bad about it, and there’s nothing I can do. Sebert always tells me exactly what he’s thinking, and what he’s feeling, and what he wants. I’m so thankful for that… I don’t think I would be able to get through this, otherwise. I need the reassurance.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that this gets easier. It just keeps getting harder and harder. My dream has always been to get away from here. I finally did that, and it was with the person that I LOVE. And now I’m back here, without him. I’m barely keeping my head above water. I’ll be completely fine most of the time… Totally put together; talking about it doesn’t bother me, then one single random thought runs through my mind and my eyes automatically fill with tears. I’ve never been a crier, but lately it’s all I can seem to do. I wish I had somewhere around here to put a punching bag–I’ve been dying for something to hit. I need another way to let out my frustrations, because writing isn’t helping as much as I would like. I think something physical [like a punching bag] would help. I’ve been thinking about going to the gym… If I can’t have a punching bag, maybe I can use a treadmill or a stairmaster and walk off some anxiety. You think?

I really need to start blogging more often. I just feel like all I do is say the same thing over and over again.

I’m not sure yet if I’m going to keep the new layout. It’s from Reese over at Scribble Scratch. I edited the sidebar a bit to add more content to it, but that’s really all I’ve done. I really like the colors… It’s definitely a happier-feeling layout than the last one I was using [also from Reese, btw].

I’m watching National Treasure right now on TV. I hate commercials. But, I really SHOULD be taking a shower and getting ready for work–I just don’t want to. So, I guess I have no room to complain about commercials when I shouldn’t be watching TV in the first place. I’m really just putting off getting ready for as long as possible, because there’s a chance that Sebert could get online.

I finally got to talk to him yesterday, and Ashley was talking to Luke at the same time, but they both got disconnected at the same time. I’m guessing it was a commo blackout, which is really not reassuring. I know the reasons for those, and I don’t like them. But, what can I do? Oh, wait… Absolutely nothing. Ever.

Anyway, work tonight shouldn’t be too bad. I’m working with Rach, and I’m only scheduled for a measly four hours, so I’m not worried about it. Plus, there’s not too much that needs to be done in the store. I finished everything last night. Pre-processing, vacuuming [holy crap the store is HUGE when you have to vacuum the whole thing]… Actually, the pre-processing isn’t finished, but the sato printer is out of labels, so I couldn’t do it all.

Well, now’s as good a time as any to go get ready, I guess. I’ll be more interesting later.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

So, it’s still an uphill battle, but at least now I think I’m keeping a steady pace. I’m still as anxious and worried as ever, but I can’t keep letting it tear me apart. It doesn’t help me, and it sure as hell doesn’t help him. He has enough to worry about over there, he doesn’t need to worry about me, too.

I’m so ready for a day off. I was supposed to have Thursday, but then I agreed to work for Britt. Then, I was supposed to have yesterday [because I was the “on call” person and they didn’t need me], but I agreed to close for Stephanie. I have to work 6-close tomorrow, but then I have Monday and Tuesday off, and I’m not working for ANYONE. Sorry, no-can-do. I want to lounge around and be a lazy, self-pitying bum all by myself.

I know I have game night with Dad on Monday, but I might see if Rach wants to go see the Sex & the City movie with me Tuesday night [if she doesn’t have to work]. I want to see it, I know she does too, and we never get to hang out. Plus, it’ll help keep my mind off things. Well, as much as possible, anyway.

I’m not feeling too chatty this evening, so this post isn’t very exciting. Hm. I’m getting ready to add a quote generator to my sidebar, and I’m getting kind of bored with this WP theme, so I think I might try to find a new one… More colorful, perhaps. And happy. Happy is good. =]

I know I haven’t blogged for a while. I’ve been kind of feeling lately that if I don’t let my emotions out, then maybe they won’t get to me as much. Yes, I realize now that that was a stupid idea, but I also just haven’t felt motivated to write. I haven’t really felt motivated to do anything at all. Well, except talk to him, which seems to be the one thing I cannot do.

“Keep your head up. That’s the only way to stay above water, right?” Easier said than done. I feel like I’m drowning on the inside. Seriously, I have no idea what to do. It’s like I don’t have a life right now. I left my life in Tennessee… The things I do on a day to day basis here are just things that are in my way of getting back there. I don’t know how to explain it. And things just keep going wrong.

I had to take my dog to the emergency animal clinic Sunday night. She has epilepsy, and they told me [after giving her two shots of Valium and running blood work] that I need to take her to our regular Vet and have her put on daily anti-seizure meds. So, there was $215 that I was going to use to fix my car. Then, I guess I had some kind of dumb ass attack on my way to town yesterday afternoon, because I hit someone’s mailbox. And, I didn’t just hit this mailbox… I mutilated it. No one was home, so I left a note with my information on their front door. No one has called me about it yet. There goes the rest of the money I was going to use to fix the car. Annnnd, now there is even more on the car that needs to be fixed, thanks to said mailbox.

I have no idea how I keep going every day just pretending that everything is ok. People keep asking me how my husband’s doing. “Well, he’s getting shot at.” Like… what else am I supposed to say? “Oh, he’s in the desert with all of his buddies having a big ol’ party every day… They just spend their time comparing weapons and throwing sand at each other.” I don’t know how he’s doing, because he tells me everything is fine, so he doesn’t lose his cool. He’s only let his guard down while he was talking to me once or twice while he’s been over there. I know he doesn’t like it. Why WOULD he? What kind of question is “how is he doing?” He’s alive, and he’s doing whatever he can to keep himself and his battle buddies that way. He’s living every day knowing that it’s one day closer to when he gets to come home.

I wish this was over. I don’t know how to handle it anymore. I don’t think I ever did. I think I kind of tricked myself into thinking that I had a handle on things and that it wasn’t going to be so hard. But, I can’t fool myself forever. I start every hour just thankful that I didn’t spend the last one bawling. People keep telling me how strong I am and how they don’t think they could do it. I STILL don’t think I can do it. But, somehow I still find myself getting out of bed every day and facing the world. It’s not like I’ve spent my entire life dreaming about this and preparing for it. I was thrown into this situation, and now I have to deal with it to the best of my ability. Some days that means lying to the reflection in the mirror. “Everything is fine. Nothing is wrong. You’ll get off work tonight, and he’ll be sitting in the parking lot waiting for you.”

I don’t really have anything else to say right now. Hopefully my night at work won’t be so bad, and I’ll have something more interesting to talk about tomorrow.

Those are the colors of the bruise on the top of my left foot; it’s progressed from being nice and purple yesterday. A movie fell straight down on it at work last night. NOT fun. Those clear plastic cases are lethal, man. You’d think it would teach me to start wearing actual shoes to work… But, I’m still going to be wearing flip flops tonight. =] Plus, the bruise on my foot is just there to match the one on my hand from the door at the post office.

Mom’s neighbors are playing music in their garage across the street, and I can hear it perfectly. I haven’t decided yet if it’s annoying… Right now I just don’t really care.

I went to the bank today to cash a check Sebert got in the mail from the water company down in Clarksville. It’s a good thing I thought to take my power of attorney papers along, because they wouldn’t have cashed it for me otherwise. I also talked to the lady there about the money Millennium Computers has taken straight out of our bank account, and she said there’s nothing she can do about it right now, because it hasn’t been hard posted to the account. It’s only being held. She said there’s a chance that it won’t ever be hard posted & it’ll just drop off, but if it does go through it will be tomorrow & I’ll have to go back in and talk to them about it then. In that case, I’m just going to wait until tomorrow to call the Millennium & the company they finance through to see what the fuck is going on.

Originally, the payment of $148 was set up as an allotment to come out of Sebert’s paycheck on the first of every month. Well, it came out of April’s check, but I stopped the allotment after that. [Long story short: the company has a lawsuit against them, we filed a claim, we still have to pay for the computer.] I plan on just paying the amount we owe in full when we get the big back-pay check. So, the way I see it, since the money didn’t come out of his check for May, they should have sent us a paper bill in the mail saying that we owe the $148 for this month. BUT, I logged onto our bank account on Friday night and there is a pending transaction of $150 for Millennium Computers to be taken out. WTF? We’re not even supposed to be paying them directly! We’re supposed to be paying the company they finance through! So, I really need to figure out what’s going on. I’m just not looking forward to it. They got us from every direction when they sold us that computer.

I did get something accomplished today, though. I sent out another care package for Sebert, and I sent the box that my computer came in to Ashley [so she can send Luke’s to him]. I figured it would be easier for her to send it in the box it came in [we have basically the same computer] with the originally foam packaging, so she won’t have to worry as much about it getting damaged in the mail. I wish we lived closer to one another… This deployment would be so much easier if I had someone around here to talk to that knows what it’s like, you know? And we’ve gotten to be pretty good friends since the guys left. I really can’t wait until we all move back down to Campbell. Now I’ll actually have someone to hang out with down there while Sebert’s at work! And since I also know Julie & my new POC finally got in touch with me, I’ll have them, too. I’m pretty excited.

I just want him to come home. I’ve been worrying like crazy all day today. He told me yesterday that he had to be out all day & he wouldn’t be able to call, but I’ve still been clutching my phone waiting for it to ring. This shit sucks. I just want to hear his voice. I know he’s okay, I just want to be reassured.

Ugh. Murphy’s Law SUCKS. Why does everything have to go wrong at the worst possible time?

Ok, so I’m not girlie enough to get high-pitched about it. But, it still sucks. I was just getting used to my nails being long. Oh well. I like them shorter, anyway. And if it hadn’t broken today, it would have at work this week. Blah.

So, the trip to Clarksville this weekend was less than eventful. I did get everything I wanted to do done, though. That’s nice. Everything with the apartment is taken care of [save May’s rent already coming out of his check, but I’m going to call them about that after the first]. I met Julie [my old FRG POC], and she’s GREAT. It really sucks that she’s not my POC anymore. I guess, from talking to Ash today, our new POC isn’t going to be as good as Julie… I mean, I’m sure she’s still nice and everything, but HHC is twice the size of Charlie Company, so there’s less of a chance to get close to people & get to know them. I guess that’s why they haven’t even contacted me yet… I have no idea who my POC is right now. :/ I’m not getting email updates or anything. Not good. I want to know what’s happening over there in my husband’s company.

He told me what happened on his mission today, and it’s not comforting. It’s very disconcerting, actually. But, I’m glad he told me everything that happened instead of just telling me everything was fine and nothing happened. If he tells me exactly what happens, then my imagination can’t create bigger, more dangerous situations. It might seem backwards, but if he tells me what kind of danger he’s in, I can worry less.

The past couple of days have been nice ones; little crying, little worrying, actually thinking that I can handle this. It really IS a day-by-day thing. Some days I wake up and don’t want to face the day, because there’s no way I can possibly have a handle on things and take care of myself. But, some days I wake up, and I can actually talk to him without crying when he has to get off the phone/computer. There are some days where 8 1/2 months doesn’t seem like such a long time. I wish there were more of those days. This would be MUCH easier.

Hum. I don’t have much else to talk about right now. I still need to finish the book I’m reading… Rach wants to take it on vacation with her this weekend. Hope I can get that done–I’ll feel bad if not.