How about various song lyric excerpts to relay how I’m feeling lately? Ok, great.

How long have I been in this storm,
so overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form?
Water’s getting harder to tread,
with these waves crashing over my head.
I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown,
so why am I ten feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose,
’cause I’m so used to living underneath the surface.
-”Storm” by Lifehouse

A note by the door simply explains it’s all that remains.
It’s no wonder why I have not slept in days.
By the way, you left without saying goodbye to me.
Now that you’re gone away,
all I can think about is you and me.
It’s not like before.
You left nothing here, it’s all disappeared.
It hurts me to see that we’ve been a lie.
Would it have hurt you to try?
-”By the Way” by Theory of a Deadman

Under 50 thousand miles ago,
before the bad blood and busted radio,
you said I was all you’d ever need.
But, love is blind and little did I know
that you were just another dead end road,
paved with pretty lies and broken dreams.
Baby, leavin’ you is easier than being gone;
I don’t know what I’ll do if one more thing goes wrong.
I’d sure hate to break down here,
nothin’ up ahead or in the rearview mirror.
Out in the middle of nowhere knowin’
I’m in trouble if these wheels stop rollin’.
So, God help me, keep me movin’ somehow,
don’t let me start wishin’ I was with him now.
I made it this far without cryin’ a single tear,
and I’d sure hate to break down here.
-”Breakdown Here” - Julie Roberts

I’m falling apart again.
I can’t find a way to make amends.
I’m looking in both directions,
but, it’s make-believe; it’s all pretend.
It’s innocence within the maze,
but, I have chosen the wrong way.
I’m still getting over who I was.
There’s no sense of trust;
no definition of love.
-”Shed Some Light” by Shinedown

Don’t ever lose your morals,
since I could never fill that hole.
And I never burnt your letters,
but I think I like you better when you get what deserve.
-”What You Deserve” by Theory of a Deadman

I turn my head to the East,
I don’t see nobody by my side.
I turn my head to the West,
still nobody in sight.
So, I turn my head to the North,
swallow that pill that they call pride.
That old me’s dead and gone,
but the new me will be alright.
-”Dead and Gone” by TI feat. Justin Timberlake

I’ve done a fantastic job of depressing myself this evening. I’m not sure why, but I’ve just been over-thinking things like crazy. I can’t let anything go. And I really need to learn that I can’t count on other people to make me feel good about myself… I need to learn to do that on my own. Other people won’t always come through.

Watching Army Wives is mildly depressing for me now, which is very sad considering it’s one of my favorite shows. I hate that I’ve let him ruin certain things for me. But, the new season of True Blood started tonight, and that show doesn’t remind me of [douchebag] at all. Plus, it’s a FANTASTIC show. I’m addicted. Go figure… Me? Addicted to a TV series? Nahh.

This weekend has been interesting… We threw a party Friday night for Rach [my roommate]. It’s her thirtieth birthday, and she needed to have some fun. It was ’80s themed, clothing, music, games, and all. I made Jell-O shots [90, actually, and they’re all but gone], and we all drank and had a good time for the most part. Saturday morning proved to me, though, that no matter how good Friday night was… It probably wasn’t worth the hangover. Ouch. There are some great pictures up on my Facebook… I’ll try to get them on Flickr and MySpace ASAP. We were definitely channeling our inner 1980s rockstars. =]

For the most part, all is well on the Caity-front. We have internet here at the house now, so I’m online more often. I’m constantly on Facebook from my phone, which I am in love with [and keep dropping, the poor thing probably thinks I hate it]. Anyway, I’m thinking that this is all I have to say for the night. I’m working on not having to censor my blog to keep information from certain people [yes, JAMIE AND SEBERT, I’m talking about you], so when that all gets taken care of, I may have a little bit more to say about certain things. I just don’t like the feeling that someone is only reading my blog to keep tabs on me. It’s stalkerish, and it creeps me out. And the things I say on here should not get the people I love bitched at–I don’t want to have to worry about that happening again.

Goodnight, all.

It’s sad that I had to put a disclaimer at the top of my last blog post. It’s even more sad that I still felt the need to password protect it because I didn’t want to deal with the drama that would come from it. I shouldn’t have to worry about who is reading my blog. I shouldn’t have to worry that someone I don’t even talk to anymore is following my every online move [Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, here, etc.]. I removed HER from the first two sites, and I ended up making my Tweets private. But, you know what? It’s all over now. I don’t care if you don’t like what I have to say. I don’t care if your family doesn’t like what I have to say. YOUR HUSBAND DID CHEAT ON YOU! YOU ARE A SHITTY A FRIEND! YOUR TEENAGED SISTER NEEDS TO STAY AWAY FROM MARRIED MEN! You all deserve each other.
——

I’m staying at Ash & Luke’s this weekend. I drove down after work yesterday for Ash’s birthday [it’s tomorrow], and I’ll be driving back up on Tuesday. It’s SO nice to be down here again. I love it down here. I’ve missed everyone and everything so much. Britt, Jason, Kendrick, Will, Ella, their kids, Justin, and Ashton were all here at Ash’s when I got here last night, and we all had some drinks and hung out in honor of Ash turning 21 tomorrow… We ended up at Justin and Ashton’s with a bonfire in the backyard. It was a good time. It always is down here.

Today was a pretty lazy day. We all just lounged around the house for most of it; took a nap this afternoon. Ash and I had a short outing to my old apartment and Wal-Mart, but other than that we were pretty boring. I even missed being BORED here. I think there’s something wrong with me. Haha. Anyway, we have more planned for tomorrow. I need to take all the equipment back to the cable company at some point. Ash’s birthday dinner is tomorrow night at Pancho Villa [I’m SO EXCITED!]. And I think Ash and I are going to try to get some things taken care of on post. Sebert’s back to being a dick, accusing me of taking all of his money. I didn’t-I’m completely broke. I haven’t taken any money since the last time he told me to. None the less, he’s talking about not giving me anything next month, and since he’s legally obligated to, I’m going to get it taken care of one way or another. I wish I really had cleaned out his bank account like he’s accusing me of doing… At least then I wouldn’t be broke, and he would actually have a REASON to be such a jackass. But, he spends all his money before I even have a chance.

He filed the papers. He told me he did, then told me he lied-he really didn’t, then I got served. So, I’m completely done trying to be nice about things. I’m sick of being lied to. I’m sick of being called a liar. I want this divorce to be finalized, and I want to be done with everything having to do with him. Except his parents… I love them to death. His mom is my new tennis partner! Lol. I just want all the drama to be over.

My plan right now is to save up some money this summer and move back down here in the fall to go back to school at APSU. I don’t know if it’s going to happen that quickly or not, but I WILL end up down here. It’s different than where I’m from in Indiana… The scenery, the community, the people. It’s an entirely different atmosphere, and it’s one that I’m in love with. It’ll be different to be down here and not actually be affilitated with the military, but I’ll get used to it. Plus, I’ll always have my girls and their guys if I need anything.

I always get off track when I start writing a blog entry. There are so many other things I wanted to say tonight. But, I’l always have another chance. Rach and I are getting internet at the house soon, so I should be updating more often.  I always blog more when I’m single anyway.